Harder than I thought it would be

It really happened, Jordan has left us (or rather we left him in a crummy apartment).  And while yes, my sadness seems ridiculous because he isn't leaving us forever (there are so many worse ways to be left that I won't mention here), having him leave is still a permanent change and the fullness we experienced as a family is different.  I tell everyone it was just as I was getting accustomed to the chaos of having five children that he turned 18 and it became certain he would leave home.  To me, it feels like a limb has been cut off and I'm trying to learn how to operate without it.

I have a discussion with McKenzie frequently about pain (she doesn't understand why it is part of life ((or rather would like to avoid pain for anyone or thing at all costs)).  Often times I speak with her about not being able to understand joy without first experiencing pain.  The greatest joys I have experienced are always mixed with moments(sometimes very long moments) of pain.  

Yesterday I discovered the complement of that teaching.  You can't know pain without first knowing joy.  I was recently reading this blog that I love(I wish I could express what is in my heart as clearly as she can) and she wrote the following, "How lucky am I to feel a loss because that means I truly appreciated and adored a long season of life.  How lucky I am to feel grief because that means I truly loved my time with my children with every part of myself.  How lucky I am to feel discontentment because that means I once felt very content."

So...as I am trying to dam this river of sadness that is running wild at the moment, I am also trying to let it run through me to purify me, to make me grateful to feel this loss.  This feeling of loss means I truly love.  It means I truly feel blessed to have been given the gift of stewarship over this child, despite the brevity, and I do.  We love you Jordan!