So...what good is setting a goal

Obviously for me, no good.

I said I'd write every Sunday.  I haven't.

I said I'd fold laundry every night.  My laundry room is full of clean clothes awaiting me and I feel no desire in the evening to attack the giant heap.

I knew on my days off I could complete my deep cleaning.  My days off are spent elsewhere.

Working is changing me.  And yet I realize how lucky I am.  I have a solid partner to help me when he can.  He makes more dinners than I do of late.  He spends his free time with the kids.  I often wonder how the single moms out there do it. 

I barely made it to the 5th grade talent show where my daughter sang a solo for the whole 5th grade and their parents.  I made it though.  It was beautiful.  It's funny, when she began I had those same butterflies for her that I have for my boys when they wrestle and at the end when she finished I wanted to be the one cheering loudest for her.  I wasn't though.  The others thought she was great too and she got louder applause elsewhere, but I made it and I was there...and she saw me.

There's no calling in sick to this job.  It's our business.  Neither Brad or I can miss a day.  It will only fail if we fail it.  We're there and we're there at the same time so the whole family has had to pull together to make things work.

Sometimes this means that if Riley's sick, Jordan or Kenzie stay home from school and babysit.

Sometimes it means that Kenzie can't go to activity days because I need her home to watch the boys.

It means that Ben has to miss scouts because there's no one there to drive him.  And because I'm new I don't know anyone well enough to ask for a ride for him.  It's hard to ask for help when you're so busy you can't reciprocate the favor.

It has meant that none of my kids can participate in sports right now.

It means that we eat at 8pm or 9pm when Mom and Dad get home. 

I have days off.  Today was one.  I spent it with Jake, answering phone calls for the office, baking cookies, going to a YW meeting, correcting Jordan on some behavior and catching up on my blog...the things I've meant to write down but haven't. 

I used to sleep in as much as I could when I wasn't working.  I wouldn't worry about 15 minutes that I didn't get to spend with the kids because I had the afternoon and evening to be there with them.  I was with them all the time.  Now, as soon as I hear the kids rise for school I am up because it is my time with them...and often I am up late catching up on the chores that I should do but won't because I want the time I have to be with the kids for the kids and nothing else.

I don't want to dwell on this too much because we are making it.  I just want it noted how my perspective has changed and that this trial has made me realize all the more how important each moment we get with each other is. 

We see each others needs and help each other out. 

For the first time I came home yesterday and my home was immaculate because my 12 year old son had come home and seen a need.

Though there are still fights (the sibling kind) I feel like my children are developing better relationships with each other because they are serving each other more since Mom and Dad are here less.

Yesterday, McKenzie waited after school 40 minutes for her brother to get home from a field trip and together they walked to our office.  Then Ben accompanied his sister back to the school for the talent show.  They were there for each other when Brad and I couldn't be.

I guess with trials in our lives (which everyone has) we have two choices.  We can only look to see the hills to climb in front of us and get it over with as soon as possible or we can slow down, look around, enjoy the scenery and realize with each step forward that we take we are getting stronger.  After all, like Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

I hope I am leading my life well.

I certainly am not living the life I dreamed of as a girl.  By saying that I'm not saying that I lead a terrible life by any means.  I'm saying that life, by virtue, is more difficult than one dreams it will be.  And, as I continue through life, I realize more and more just how little control I have over anything.  I've had to let go and trust that Heavenly Father knows so much more than me and that all things come together for good.  I've learned that the one thing I do have control over is my attitude and that by having hope and faith and trusting in the Lord it is the one gift I can give back to him for all that he has given me.

And despite the difficulties I have those golden moments when I see my husband with my children playing all together or when I have a one on one talk with my son who is struggling and I feel his trust, or I get a hug from my daughter after she's done something difficult, or I see my two little boys who are best friends creating something together, or just receive a sweet smile from my five year old or hear him singing the latest tune he has memorized (latest:  look down from Les Miserables) that the last ten years of sweat, blood and tears seem to melt away and I'm left with a feeling just how truly blessed I am...and the sacrifice seems all worth it.