Brad and I had our 14th wedding anniversary this past week so marriage and what makes a succesful marriage has been on my mind lately. Not to mention the fact that I just got done reading the book When Love is not Enough about the founder of al-anon and the wife of the founder of alcoholics anonymous which, while it told the tragic story of how the disease of alcoholism affects marriage, to me told the story of a marvelous woman who made marriage work no matter the circumstance. Loise Wilson was truly an amazing woman who remained loyal to her husband even while he drug her down to the pit of misery with his alcoholism. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that anyone who is married to someone who has an addiction to alcohol, drugs or pornography, abuses their spouse physically or mentally should see their marriage through no matter what, but her determination to make things work truly was admirable. I mean, really, let's be honest here. Marriage is hard work. As wonderful as it is, it's not the "happily ever after" that we see so often in the disney shows. I mean, at first it is but soon, too soon, those rose colored glasses come off and you can't help but see your spouse as they truly are. I hate to dissillusion you all but there's no make-up on me when I wake up in the morning and my hair is ratty and my breath smells.
Yes, it takes work to make a marriage last. One of my favorite analogies comes from a conference talk given several years ago. I like it so much that I kept it. Some of you may remember it, but I like it so much
I'll share it with you here. It was given in the April 2003 conference by F. Burton Howard.
We started as poor college students, but her vision for our marriage was exemplified by a set of silverware. As is common today, when we married she registered with a local department store. Instead of listing all the pots and pans and appliances we needed and hoped to receive, she chose another course. She asked for silverware. She chose a pattern and the number of place settings and listed knives, forks, and spoons on the wedding registry and nothing else. No towels, no toasters, no television—just knives, forks, and spoons.
The wedding came and went. Our friends and our parents’ friends gave gifts. We departed for a brief honeymoon and decided to open the presents when we returned. When we did so, we were shocked. There was not a single knife or fork in the lot. We joked about it and went on with our lives.
Two children came along while we were in law school. We had no money to spare. But when my wife worked as a part-time election judge or when someone gave her a few dollars for her birthday, she would quietly set it aside, and when she had enough she would go to town to buy a fork or a spoon. It took us several years to accumulate enough pieces to use them. When we finally had service for four, we began to invite some of our friends for dinner.
Before they came, we would have a little discussion in the kitchen. Which utensils would we use, the battered and mismatched stainless or the special silverware? In those early days I would often vote for the stainless. It was easier. You could just throw it in the dishwasher after the meal, and it took care of itself. The silver, on the other hand, was a lot of work. My wife had it hidden away under the bed where it could not be found easily by a burglar. She had insisted that I buy a tarnish-free cloth to wrap it in. Each piece was in a separate pocket, and it was no easy task to assemble all the pieces. When the silver was used, it had to be hand washed and dried so that it would not spot, and put back in the pockets so it would not tarnish, and wrapped up and carefully hidden again so it would not get stolen. If any tarnish was discovered, I was sent to buy silver polish, and together we carefully rubbed the stains away.
Over the years we added to the set, and I watched with amazement how she cared for the silver. My wife was never one to get angry easily. However, I remember the day when one of our children somehow got hold of one of the silver forks and wanted to use it to dig up the backyard. That attempt was met with a fiery glare and a warning not to even think about it. Ever!
I noticed that the silverware never went to the many ward dinners she cooked, or never accompanied the many meals she made and sent to others who were sick or needy. It never went on picnics and never went camping. In fact it never went anywhere; and, as time went by, it didn’t even come to the table very often. Some of our friends were weighed in the balance, found wanting, and didn’t even know it. They got the stainless when they came to dinner.
The time came when we were called to go on a mission. I arrived home one day and was told that I had to rent a safe-deposit box for the silver. She didn’t want to take it with us. She didn’t want to leave it behind. And she didn’t want to lose it.
For years I thought she was just a little bit eccentric, and then one day I realized that she had known for a long time something that I was just beginning to understand. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.
Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way.
Isn't that beautiful? I try to always remember and apply that in my own marriage because again, marriage takes work. In order for marriage to be succesful there must be faith, trust in God and each other, forgiveness, and honesty with yourself and your own faults...because at times we may think all the fault lies with our spouse, don't we? The best advice my mother gave me was this, "Chelsey, I used to think that just your Dad's family was wierd but as I grew older I realized that my family was wierd and had it's problems too." She was just trying to tell me that no one is perfect. We all come from different backgrounds and have to learn to accept each other as they are.
The fourteen years, while full of work, have been wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for any other experience...and I'm looking forward to a lifetime of work together with Brad.
Happy anniversary! You were such a beautiful bride! You still are too!
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