Because it's quiet and I have time to think this post may be deep...you were warned beforehand

 That's what happens when I'm home alone.  I have time to think and organize my thoughts...but before I get to deep thoughts, let's update y'all.

Jacob:  I only have one picture of him on my phone and it's not that great but I will post it anyway.

This is Riley and Jake working hard in the yard while I was being lazy reading a good book in bed on a Saturday.

Jake is Brad's and my little buddy now.  He wants to come with me when I go grocery shopping (I know right?)  He wants to go with Brad on a mountain bike ride and he is finally catching up.  He likes Brad and me and well, I like his age.  He still tells stupid 12 year old jokes, he still is learning how to think deeply, but he is so willing to learn.  It's nice to have a kid that listens when you talk.  So, while 12 year olds are silly and weird, I think they are still my favorite age because they still listen.

Riley: *sigh*  Riley thinks he knows everything.  I love him, but he is at the worst age....and it's the worst age for everyone.  He has so much to learn.  He has some hard years coming.  I know he will make it and I have to let him make it, but it is so hard.  I got a call from the principal this last week for Riley, actually it was the vice principal.  Here's how the call went... of course these are not exact quotations because I did not record the phone call.

Mr. T: "Hello is this Riley's mom?"

Me:  "Yes this is Riley's mom."

Mr. T.:  "Well, hello.  Today I had the opportunity to speak with Riley in my office.  I had received a complaint from a girl in his class that he had been bullying her.  The event happened in PE.  It was during the 40m dash.  They took the timed test together.  Riley  speed walked beside her while she ran.  She said she felt fat shamed and embarrassed.  I spoke to Riley and he said he was not trying to bully her or fat shame her.  I explained to Riley that, whether intentional or not, this was not acceptable.  We spoke about  bullying  and how when someone is bullied there is more than one offense.  I gave him a warning because to be honest, we want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just did an insensitive thing.  We will follow up if we continue to see a pattern of bullying with this girl.  I don't expect to see anymore behavior like this."

Me:  "Yes, it was probably to show off to his friends or something, who knows, and it was certainly thoughtless.  I will be discussing it with Riley.  I would be surprised if he was intentionally trying to bully or fat shame.  Again, we will have a discussion with him tonight..."

The conversation continued but with other things. 

I did have a conversation with Riley.  I honestly don't know what he was thinking but I do know he will be more aware of others he may be harming in his attempt to show off in the future.  

Riley will read this one day and he may not like what I wrote, but I know Riley and I know he does like to impress others, so sometimes this is a weakness he has and hopefully he will grow out of.  Hopefully he will realize that he only has to be better than himself and doesn't have to show everyone else how great he is all the time.  Raising kids is hard.  Being honest with them is hard, yet being honest with them is the most important thing you can do to raise a kid.

So, yes, Riley is in a difficult stage but he is willing to try.  He had a disagreement with a teacher this last quarter and I told him his job is to make the teacher's job easier by making her like him.  He is doing just this.  So, while I say he thinks he knows everything, he is willing to take good advice.  He will turn out.  

I share all these things so you know life isn't easy, and Riley, one day you will have a Riley and you will struggle to know what to do to correct them while still loving them.  And we do love you.

Ben:  So Ben is working on becoming independent.  It is sad because Brad wants to be with him all the time and I have to remind Brad that it is normal for Ben to want to be with other people right now as he prepares to leave home within 2 years.  I don't know who it (the withdrawal) is harder on, Ben or Brad.  Brad is so close to all of his children.  Ben is playing football.  He is the 3rd string linebacker on varsity.  They have played 3 games so far this season and won every won.  He got to play in 2 of the 3.  Yesterday's game was close and they really couldn't afford to let Ben play.  Ben understands that, thankfully.  He is enjoying getting to know the football players better.  Hopefully some of the football players will come out for wrestling.  That is what Ben is hoping for...that and a wrestling season.  Yes, we are still unsure of whether or not we will get to wrestle.  Right now they are talking about making the wrestlers wear masks while they wrestle.  This won't work.  The masks will be ripped off and torn, they will get soaked and dirty and will carry the bacteria from the mat.  Yuck!  We are hoping as the months pass that the school will get more realistic about all this.  

Ben is in a cool cohort this year.  It is a cohort of 15 of the most high achieving students in his high school.  The coolest thing about it is that it is so small they are really getting to know each other well.  They have an excellent US history teacher that is encouraging open and honest debate amongst the students.  There are some conservatives, some liberals and some independents in the class.  Because there is so much trust between them they have been able to really discuss the political issues.  It is cool to see the depth Ben is developing as he listens to his peers, evaluates what they say, evaluates what he believes and then tries to state his stance intelligently.  I have to give you some background to a local current event before I explain how exceptional these kids are.  So we have a local business in our community who has posted their political affiliation in the window of their business.  There was a local student protest downtown on climate change.  When the students who attended the protest passed by this business, they were so upset by the political sign they disrespected the business in language and action.  It was called to the school board's attention and has been a hot topic ever since.  The owner of the business has not been inculpable in all of this.  He has inflamed those around him by giving 15% off to those who came into his shop without masks and 10% off to all on Columbus day.  I'm not saying his actions are wrong, I'm saying they made people more angry at him.  Some are so angry that they have started an instagram account called "End Top That" where they have encouraged people to go online and write bad reviews and are asking people to not be patrons.  So, back to Ben's class.  One day they are discussing the importance of the 1st amendment and this instagram becomes a topic of discussion.  All the students, both the liberals and the conservatives, feel that to encourage others to destroy a person's business because they are exercising their first amendment right is morally wrong and so they, both liberal and conservative students, created an instagram account to combat the instagram account "End Top That"  Their instagram account is called "Keep Top That".  I was encouraged that students with differing opinions could reach across the aisle and support the 1st amendment.  I feel like our country would be much better off if we could do what these kids have done.  Literally, it is they who should be reported about when there is so much divisiveness.

Now, after you see that above screen shot, you can see that they still have some diplomacy to learn, but really...to stand up in such a way is quite outstanding.

Before I leave Ben, one picture of a wound from paintball that I believe his brother, Riley gave him.

I don't know how they endure the pain of paintball but they LOVE it.

Kenzie:  She is thriving in Provo.  I mean, she is still Kenzie and does things that I don't understand AT ALL...like tell her roommates her birthday is in October, but overall she is mentally healthy, academically strong and socially loving things.  Yes, socially.  I know...I can't believe it myself.  I get pictures like this from her friend:

Yep, that's her, country dancing and flirting with a boy.  And here she is getting ready for Halloween.

She came and visited us a few weeks ago.  We biked to our favorite spot together:

and she helped Brad tile our garage steps:

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Here are some other pieces of Kenzie she has shared with me lately.  Here is a poem she wrote while camping with her best friend Anna in their new environment:

Kenzie is also going through her own faith transition and sometimes sends me art she draws about it:

Jordan:  Jordan is also doing well in Provo.  He likes living close to his cousins and sister and is going out on a lot of dates.  However, his dating is being hampered a little because he now has a job working at the gym in the University.  It is the perfect job because he is able to study when they have down time.  Although, because of his job he didn't get to get away for the fall break like Kenzie did.  

Brad:  As always, Brad is busy supporting us, cleaning up the outside and playing with anyone who will play with him.  Brad is the best dad and husband and even when he says he won't ever go to watch Benny play football and makes fun of him incessantly for being a bucket head you can still see him show up outside the stadium to see if he can catch a peak of Benny getting to play.  Brad is on his own protest and refuses to wear masks in store so refuses to go in stores during prime hours.  Really he only goes in at 11 and for select items.  Everything else he makes me get.  

Me:  I got a visit from my college roommate and her family.

I've been taking pictures of pretty sunsets while waiting for my boys at jiu jitsu.

I've been trying to understand other's political stances.  All I have a picture of though is a political stance I just can't understand.

Really??????  I actually think this guys response if justified:

Mom and Dad, I know you probably think that is a crude response.

I've been going on hikes:

I've been trying to make sure this little kitten survives:

I've been posting memes.  Yep, the first meme I've posted to our group family chat.  I'm proud...proud that I even know what  meme is.

And I've been searching for moral grounding.  I search for the moral grounding in good quotes:

I search for moral grounding in good books:

Okay, the last one is just for fun and add Megan Kelly's Settle For More in there.  1 of those books I have read, 8 of those books I am reading and 3 of those books I plan to read.

This search for truth and examining myself is hard.  I've written a little about it in a poem that I will share here:

And I've written a little to some friends/family in texts as they've checked in on me.  These are texts that I've wanted to keep to help keep track of my journey.  Some of these might offend some, but they really took a lot out of me to write and I want to record them.  Something I always struggle with in my blog is how open and honest to be and I try to be as honest as I can, so if they offend some, I am sorry but here they are.

This is text #1.  I didn't save all the original texts sent to me but this one I did so I am including it.  Somehow it got cut off.

My response:

Text #2:

This may be the one that is damaging to my family.  No one has actually said that Brad is the one that has been leading but sometimes that is the feeling I get and it hurts.

Finally, the last text to my sister:

Anway,  I really debated putting this stuff in here but here it is.  It is part of me and part of my journey.