(Yes, and that cute girl holding that cute outfit had something to do with it.)
I saw the outfit on the clearance rack and I think to myself, "Kenzie would love that, I wonder how much it costs." The price tag was marked $14 and with my extra 20% off it came to $11.20, a pretty good price. I looked more closely and was a little concerned at the white cotton shirt that was attached to the black vest. You see, Kenzie does not like fitted clothes and I knew that if it felt too tight in any way, I was in trouble. However, the cuteness and affordable price of the outfit won out over my common sense and I brought it home. She, of course, at first sight fell in love with it and went to try it on right away only to come out exasperated at how tight it felt. Then she went on a rampage about why do they have to make all the girl clothes so tight and proceeded to yell at me because of her frustration with the fitted style of girls clothing. I, of course, being the wise, empathetic mother that I am (that was said in sarcasm by the way) took that opportunity to tell her, "Welcome to the world of women, Kenzie. Everything they make for us is fitted and we have to try on, try on, try on to be sure that things fit us. I do not know how many cute things that I have tried on myself just to find out they didn't fit me in one way or another." Now I have to stop the story here and tell you that the shirt DID fit her, she just didn't like the feel of it, or the fact that she had to wear a tank top underneath the shirt because it was see through. Anyway, my answer didn't appease her and she went from raging at the world for making women/girl clothing so fitting to notifying me of all the faults I have as a parent. Luckily, this day, I did not lose it. I have lost it in the past when they(my children) have accused me of bad parenting, but I could just see that this ranting came from the way she felt about herself, the way the outfit made her feel (which usually when children accuse you of bad parenting it is a sign that they are feeling insecure in some way). So, I patiently told her that I could tell she was upset, that she really didn't mean the things she was saying, and that I would talk with her more when she had calmed down (This technique seems to produce better results than yelling and screaming at them about what a wonderful mother I truly am). After an hour or so, she did, in fact, calm down and come to me sorry and contrite. At this point we were able to discuss the way the world wants us women to believe that we all have to have the same body type, shape, look and how that standard that they impose on us in the media affects our own self image as women. I also took a moment to tell her that the more we tell ourselves we don't like the way our bodies are, the more harmful that is to us. I learned that the hard way. Trust me, I had too many wasted years of hating the way my body was. It did me more harm than good. So ladies out there, if you have any advice to give to my dear, sweet, beautiful daughter about body and body image, do so today in the comment section. Let her know that she is not the only one out there that feels imperfect, that our bodies come in all different shapes and sizes, and please, let her know what a gift our bodies are. As for the cute outfit, she wore it to church today and looked absolutely beautiful, even though the shirt may have felt too tight.
We also had our first real "best buddy" crisis between these two:
Ben had a friend over for the first time since...Vegas I believe. Really, the last time I think he had a friend over was in Vegas. It was his friend Dallin. That is a sad statement of how impermanent our situation has been over the last three years:( Anyway, this friend and he wanted to ditch Riley. Dad overheard Riley saying to Ben, "Fine. I won't be your best buddy if you ditch me anymore Ben." and had a serious talking with Ben before he went off to ride his mountain bike on some trails with Jordan. Well, not 30 minutes after Brad had left, Ben's friend came to me crying. Riley had apparently "choked" him. Yes, that was the word he used and Riley did not deny the action. They had ditched Riley again and he became so upset that he attacked Ben's friend and "choked" him. Riley got a time out and a talking to about how it's not okay to choke people. Ben also got a severe talking to and in front of Ben's friend I heard myself speaking the same words my mother spoke to me as a child, "Ben, friends come and go, but your brother will always be there. He is your best friend and you never ditch your best friend." Apparently, they got the message this time and by the end of the play date all three were playing happily together.
Jake is obssessed with cowboys and Woody lately. He has found out a way to attach Woody's hat to his head with his sister's elastic headband.
He also wears those same elastics around his waist as his holster for his guns. The shirt he is wearing in the picture is his "cowboy shirt" and he has taken over Ben's boots to complete the look. He's so much fun...most of the time. He has taken to throwing tantrums lately.
And, since everyone else has a picture of them in here:
That's Jordan saying to me, "Why are you being so wierd and taking a picture of me randomly Mom. That's not cool." Okay, maybe he didn't say it, but he's thinking it. He's definitely gotten to the cool stage. Soon he'll be too cool.
I finished two books this week and I highly recommend both.
The first was Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. A truly amazing story that will deepen your understanding of WWII and help you see your own trials and struggles in a new light and perspective. It was so good I will have Brad read it. I will have Jordan read it. When the others are old enough, they will read it. My favorite quote from the book is the following:
(telling of the 3 men in the raft on the Pacific Ocean):"Though all three men faced the same hardship, their differing perceptions of it appeared to be shaping their fates. Louie and Phil's hope displaced their fear and inspired them to work toward their survival, and each success renewed their physical and emotional vigor. Mac's resignation seemed to paralyze him, and the less he participated in their efforts to survive, the more he slipped. Though he did the least, as the days passed, it was he who faded the most. Louie and Phil's optimism, and Mac's hopelessness, were becoming self-fulfilling." p.148
The second was Making Toast by Roger Rosenblatt. It's tells the true story of a family who lose their daughter/wife/ mother, Amy, to death and how this death impacted their lives. The story is written from the perspective of Amy's father. It's not a book for everyone, but I found it very touching. My favorite passage (and I'm sorry I have to include it all because it is long, but I don't know which part to cut out):
Speaking of Amy's husband, Harris, and mother Ginny, the author writes, "Ginny and Harris may feel that their lives have prepared them for our current circumstance. I do not. I doubt that my life has prepared me for any situation, because until Amy died, I had always believed that good things would simply befall me. Except for a few disappointments, probably less than my share, I've led a charmed life. I am learning what most people know at a much younger age-that life is to be endured, and its rewards earned. Since my rewards these days lie in the survival of my family, I am content to try to earn them.
But all this comes slowly to me. I have not been a long-distance runner, and now-at the time when my legs are weak and my wind diminished-I need to confront the long haul, which runs counter to my nature. I must train myself to deal with the world as it is, as Amy did, while not treating the assignment as a chore. One of the few pieces of writing I have done since Amy died was a book review for the Washington Post Book World. The novel was David Lodge's Deaf Sentence-about a retired linguistics professor, Desmond Bates, who is losing his hearing and who is also deaf to life until, against his will, he visits Auschwitz, where the silence teaches him to hear. He reads a letter from a prisoner in the camp to his wife, discovered in a pile of human ashes. One sentence rises up to Desmond: "If there have been, at various times, trifling misunderstandings in our life, now I see how one was unable to value the passing time." As far as I can tell, this is how to live-to value the passing time."
With all that said, I must go value the passing time with my own family.
Aunt Nisa hates her body too, but for different reasons!
ReplyDeleteThough, I read something about self esteem, it was powerful but I can't remember it exactly. Anyway it was about how our daughters will love and appreciate themselves when we, their mothers, show them that we love and appreciate ourselves. There is more esteem learned from the mother we respect than we can every uncover alone in our selves. Also, loving ourselves isn't about loving our bodies. It is about knowing who we are, appreciating what we have to offer, caring for ourselves and understanding our worth. Our bodies are a powerful tool, a familiar home, a way to serve and spread love. They are not supposed to be perfect, they are made to be used and enjoyed, to touch the world, to express our spirits, to be loved through recognition and to be extended in personal and creative ways that make us all uniquely special.
Oh. And here is a quote I like. "A mother who radiates self love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self esteem." (Naomi Wolf) So thanks to Naomi Wolf, I pretend that my thighs don't bother me so that my daughter feels as confident as her mother pretends. And at some point, we believe it, we know it and we don't worry about it. At least, that is what I keep telling myself. But also self esteem comes from self love and acceptance - not looking the way we want in clothing. Aunt Nisa thinks clothes stink too!!!
Kenz,
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You are beautiful and I am not just saying that because I am your Aunt... but because it is true! So listen to your mom. She has a lot of good points you know. Being a woman is awesome, and wonderful in so many ways, but in other ways it is tough. One of the tough. One of the most powerful tools that Satan uses with women today is the media. He uses the media to make us feel bad about our bodies because we don't look a certain way or we don't feel good in our clothes. But hey, remember who doesn't even have a body... Satan and his followers. Makes sense right. Misery loves company so why would he want us to feel happy about our bodies. It is sad to think about how MANY GIRLS AND WOMEN FEEL BAD about themselves and the way they fit in clothes. But is a little bit easier to understand the whole clothing/fashion/media thing when you realize who is trying to make us feel bad. You are right why should our clothing have to be fitted and uncomfortable? It should be cute and comfy. Hey... I have an idea...maybe you should think about starting your own clothing line someday. Using the right fabrics to help girls and Women feel good and comfortable about their clothes and the way they look and feel in them. Chels I think you are great example of a mother who "radiates self love and acceptance." I know it hasn't always been easy for you. Keep up the good work. You are an awesome mom!
Love you Kenz.
Aunt Anjee