The iphone quandry

So my first teenage story is about iphones/smart phones/technology.

Brad and I have always been very strict with technology.  We've had xboxes in our house, only to get rid of it shortly thereafter because it is a time waster.  For many years we were without any television unless we brought a movie home.  That's changed since we got our smart TV and have access to amazon prime now.  Computer use was at a very low minimum and certainly never used to play games.  And phones, well, I provided my kids with basic phones in high school.  They had a shared basic phone in junior high that they took when they were traveling with sports and activities.  I didn't ever want to buy them a smartphone because I don't want them abusing the technology like I see most teenagers do.

This past summer McKenzie babysat A LOT.  She made A LOT of money.  And she, unlike her brothers, saves her money.  When at the end of the summer she had a significant amount saved up she asked me if she could purchase her own iphone.  Couple this with the fact that I had just had a conversation with one of my acquaintances about iphones and how it is better to give your children these tools when they are under your supervision to teach them appropriate use than when they are in college and I found myself saying, "yes McKenzie.  You can purchase your own iphone."

Immediately upon saying yes, I called up my sister Melissa, who has older children who have been through this, and asked her what her rules on technology were.  She gave me the following excellent advice (which her pediatrician gave her )which I implemented (or tried to implement) right away.

1.  All social media usernames and passwords must be given to me.
2.  All apps have to be added and approved by me.
3.  I can look at your phone any time.
4.  No texts are to be erased unless I erase them.
5.  All snap chat friends have to have been met by me and approved by me.
6.  No phones during chores.
7.  No phone use after 9:00 at night.
8.  All phones charge in my room at night.
9.  I have the right to take away the phone at any time if you are abusing my rules.

We spoke about this in depth before she got her phone and even though she agreed to the rules, I found myself fighting her on cell phone usage.  Three main offenses she commited:  One, she didn't want to give me the phone at nine.  Two, she would hide in the bathroom with the phone while chores were being done (I implemented a no phones in the bathroom rule after that).  Three, apps were added that I didn't approve...like amazon TV.  When I tried to take the phone away the battles I had to fight were relentless.  

In the first month Mckenzie had it taken away for at least half of it.  Every day, she would tell me how SHE bought the phone and how it wasn't right that we could take it away.  Every day I had to stand firm in the punishment.  And at one point, in December, when again phone usage had started another fight between she and I, she had it taken away for a full four weeks.  Now here I have to be grateful to my husband because this four week punishment is when it finally sunk in that really, she had to follow the rules.  He held fast to that four weeks, something I probably would have given up on after two.  By the end of the four weeks, we had another in depth discussion between the two of us and came up with the following two additional rules.

1.  No technology on Sundays.  My phone is off, her phone is off.  Calls to relatives are the only exceptions.

2.  No technology when the family is playing a game, watching a movie, or otherwise interacting with each other.

I do believe that it is wise to teach them how to use the technology now.  If she is open with me on her phone she will be open with her spouse on her phone.  If I can see what is on her social media, her future employer can see what is on her media.  And, if she can put her phone down during family time now, she can put her phone down when her kids need her in the future.  It was worth the fight.  It was worth the education.

My rule for iphones now is no iphones/smartphones until highschool and only then can you have one when you can purchase one yourself.  Teach them that they are searching for friends when they are on social media and social media will never give you a meaningful relationship...only people can do that and that only comes from talking with them person to person.

I think every parent considering an iphone for their kids needs to watch this first. I watched it with my kids this week.  It must have had an impact because for the first time when Kenzie went to her friends house this weekend she purposely left her phone home citing the excuse, "I mean, I want meaningful relationships, right mom?"