Wrestling and what it teaches about life

I've been wanting to write this post for a week and just haven't had the quiet time.  I do now.  Brad, Ben and Riley are out back country skiing and Jake, well, he is playing video games and that makes me a bad parent for letting him be on the video games.  So today, yes, I'm a bad parent.  But maybe I'm a good parent for writing this post.

It's been a tough year for our family.  We had some major strife this past year.  To be quite frank, and to acknowledge open secrets, Brad and I didn't know if our marriage would last the year.  But it has so far.  I think both of us are realizing just how fragile that bond is and we are working hard to reinforce and revive it.  Our marriage feels like our house, messy and going through a remodel.  And sometimes, you wonder if it is worth it, but we both have been told divorce is messier and harder.  We believe those that have told us that.

Also, we have left our religion.  Some more permanently than others as in, they removed their names from the records of the church.  And, as we have left, we have been searching for meaning and grounding still.  We find some meaning from the rubble of a lost faith and some from wise mentors who have written, unknowingly, books to help us re-establish our core values.  This leaving has not been easy, there has been some scarring for sure.  Those of you that know and love this religion are saying out loud here, just come back then.  However, it is not such an easy solution as that.  Give us grace as we are in a desert similar to the ones the Hebrews wandered in for 40 years.  Please still be our friend.  Hopefully, you are not fearful of contagion.

Along with this, we had a great loss last weekend in wrestling.  So silly to bring that up, right?  But wrestling is such a family activity for us.  It really has united us.  And Ben, well, he really had a great chance at placing at state.  And well, he just didn't.  Not because he wasn't capable but because he wrestled one match at a lower level than his normal excellent wrestling.  His first match he was up 5-1 going into the 3rd period when he burnt out, showing no energy and allowing his opponent to score 10 points in the last 90 seconds.  It was heartbreaking.  

After this first loss, I sent Ben and Riley (I didn't mention it but Riley was at state too!  He went two and out but fought well) the following message in a text:

So you lost yesterday.  What do you do now?  I was thinking about the losses yesterday all through the night.  It was devastating.  Obviously, at first, I experienced sadness and disappointment.  I wanted to cry with you and for you.  Then I felt fear, worried about experiencing another loss.  I was stuck in it.  It gripped me for a short while and I felt immobilized.  But, I woke up, at four this morning, hopeful.  Why?  Well, because when it comes to loss, I hope your dad and I have taught you something these past few years.  We have experienced some tough family losses.  In fact, 4 of the 5 of you attending state have (Eli and Dugan's mom).  Sometimes we play a role in our loss, and sometimes we don't (like the losses of your two teammates).  Regardless, we don't face our loss with fear of losing again If we do, the fear immobilizes us.  So what have your dad and I taught you through our loss?  Hopefully we've taught you these three things:

1.  The loss is real.  We can and should mourn it.  We must accept the loss.

2.  We must ask ourselves, honestly, if we played a role in the loss, and correct what needs to be corrected if we have.

3.  AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL THAT I HOPE WE'VE TAUGHT YOU...we get back up again, put one foot in front of the other, face our fear, look it straight in the eye, and we get to work.

What makes wrestling so great?  The ability to learn how to come back from a loss.  Today is going to be a good day for the Demons.  You got this.  I love you boys!  Go get them.

Here's a little lesson I learned about fear from Jordan Peterson from a bible story I've known for years.  I  sent this to my boys that same day.  Moses leads the Hebrews out of Egypt.  They wander in the desert for 40 years.  They start worshipping idols and fighting a lot making Moses judge all day as a result.  God isn't happy about this so he sends poisonous snakes and the people get bit by the snakes and get sick and start to die.  The people ask Moses to speak with God so he can take away the snakes.  Moses does.  God, who can call off the snakes (he sent them in the first place), does not call off the snakes.  Instead, he tells Moses to make an image of the snake in bronze and make a staff and put the snake on the staff.  He then tells the people to be healed they must look upon it.  What does this mean?  Voluntarily look at what you are terrified of and you will get braver.  Face what you are most afraid of and you will be free.  Again, this must be done voluntarily.  God doesn't chase away the snakes.  He makes everyone braver.  

Ben did look his fear straight in the eye.  He really wrestled his next match well quickly pinning the kid in a chicken wing.  And then, he came up against Matthew Holdrege.  Who is Matthew you ask?  Matthew is the kid that beat Ben by 2 or 3 points in regionals last year.  This put Ben in 3rd place and since they only took the top 2 due to covid, Ben did not go to state his junior year.  He saw Matthew again this past December at the Warrior Classic beating him 4-1 to put Ben in the 3rd/4th place match.  Again they met at a tournament in Pueblo with a similar outcome, meeting shortly thereafter at regionals and yes, Matthew won.  So when he came up against Matthew again at state there was a HUGE mental block to overcome.  And, of course, it was a blood round; meaning that the loser is out of the tournament.  Ben wrestled excellently that match.  The score was 1-0, in favor of Matthew, going into the 3rd period.  When Ben chose down, our stomachs all sunk a little as Ben had never once escaped from Matthew.  As we watched what happened though, our hopes for Ben soared as we all chanted his name to give him courage.  Nine times in the 3rd period Ben stood up with Matthew in a backpack on his back.  9 TIMES.  I don't know if you know what it feels like to lift a dead weight of 170 lbs. over and over but that takes a lot of strength and a lot of determination to stand up that many times in a 2 minute period.  Unfortunately, just as Ben rose every time, the ref called the move potentially dangerous and Ben was not able to continue to wrestle.  Some say that to do the same thing over and over when it's not working is stupidity but as Ben rose again and again, my momma heart swelled with pride for the unconquerable spirit it showed.  

Ben lost the match 1-0 and his wrestling for the Durango Demons was over.  Matthew went on to place 5th.  My friend captured this tender moment between Ben and Jordan shortly after the loss.

Obviously, after the loss your mind reels trying to understand it all.  Ben and I spoke a lot about the loss, how he felt and what it means.  We spoke about how life isn't about wrestling but rather wrestling is about life.  What does it teach about life?  Here's what my family has learned about life from wrestling:

1.  No win will ever be given to you easily.  

My boys can tell you about the sacrifices made to improve their wrestling.   Time: hours spent lifting weights getting stronger, hours spent at long tournaments, hours traveling to get to the tournaments, hours spent at practice, hours spent watching film.  

 Money:  Spent on hotels and gas and registrations and food.  Discipline:  To make weight, to not let your emotions get the best of you, to stay focused.  Perseverance:  To get on the mat again after a loss.

2.  Never underestimate your opponent or the task in front of you and be courteous whether you win or you lose.

All these kids that come out to compete have worked to be able to stand on the mat.  You don't know if they started in kindergarten, like Riley, or started later, like Jordan.  But they have all stuck it out to be there now.  I would say wrestling is one of the hardest sports.  It takes guts to be there year after year after year.  Respect those that are there.  

3.  Keep your head up and off the mat.

I hate when I see my kids heads go down on the mat.  I feel like, mentally, that's when they think they've lost.  Every wrestling parent knows what I'm talking about here.  And it's true, usually your kid is losing when their head goes down on the mat.  Keep it up.  Look up.

4. Success doesn't always look like winning.

We've had a lot of success on the mat, many more successes than wins.  Success looks like improvement.  

Success looks like respect given. 

Success looks like self-confidence, maturity, humility. 

Success is being able to recognize when you've given your best and when you haven't. 

 Success is being able to move on when it is time.  Success is sportsmanship.  Success is lifetime friendships.

5.  Surround yourself with family.  

This is where I want to end.  Want to know what is the best thing about wrestling?  It is the people that surround you and root for you.  It is the parents and family, coaches, refs,and opponents that have made you a better person.  

Since Ben is the one graduating from the Durango Wrestling program, let me take a moment to thank the wrestling village that has raised him.  To the coaches:  Finneseth, Woodworth, Morris, Fenberg, Dugan, Garand and to the coaches from other areas (Cortez, Falcon, Bayfield) you all made Ben the wrestler and fine young man he is.  

Thank you.  To the community that came out and supported him: Denise, Tammy, Kay, the Bartels, Frank and Staci (did I spell that right), the Pontines, the Albrechts, the student body this year (go Demons), Dr. Lavengood, the Peewee club, the Phillips, Hermesmans , Hugentoblers and our staff.  He saw you in the stands.  He heard your support and when it mattered, he did his best to earn a win for you.  To the opponents that made him better:  Kobe Prior, Matthew Holdrege, some mean Page tournament wrestlers, Max Coddington I know he would say it was a privilege to wrestle you and even be beat by you.

We'll never know where Ben would have placed had he won his first match.  But we know life isn't about wrestling, wrestling is about life and that because of the wrestling he did and the community that surrounded him, Ben has a good head start in life.