Lately some of you have thought that I've been harsh with you or with your siblings. Sometimes I have been harsh when all I want to do is express love and concern for your well being. I've lived a lot of years now (50) and I've seen a lot of consequences from choices. I've changed a lot in my 50 years of life, and the last five have been especially hard as I've mourned losses and rebuilt. You all know there has been a lot of rebuilding in my life in these past five years. You know I've searched, and meditated, prayed and struggled to find out what was valuable to me as my whole world crumbled around me. For the first time in my life I had no one telling me what was right and where the correct path was, I literally had to "wrestle with God" to choose what was right for me and to hold up standards again. During these years, because I chose to stop attending church, you guys stopped attending church too and I didn't know how to react to your experimentation. I remember when McKenzie first showed me her tattoo and I cried, right there in front of everyone in the middle of the restaurant and now I have a couple of tattoos myself...one that is horrible, admittedly...but both which have deep meaning for me. I decided I wouldn't drink alcohol...although I had many friends that wanted me to get drunk, but I have learned to like coffee and enjoy drinking it in the mornings. I don't see myself ever returning to church but I have returned to prayer in my own way and am seeking a relationship with God. I call myself Christian because I still embrace the Christian values I was taught. And while I no longer attend church or call myself Mormon I am still Mormon in so many cultural ways. I've listened and watched and observed as people make choices and when I see good come from the choices they make I try to examine what made the choice good. I try to be honest in my conversations and express both what I see as bad and what I see as good with my friends and family.
I have changed. And, this world has changed. There is so much emphasis on do what makes YOU happy and while I agree with that I think there should be a caveat...do what will make you happy now and what will bring you happiness in the future. While one of my tattoos is to remind me to live fully in the present and be grateful for BOTH the pain and joy that comes from living, living fully in the present means fully partaking in the wonderful relationships that people permit you to have with them. Our actions affect who comes into our lives and those people that come into our lives will DEFINITELY affect what tomorrow brings and your happiness. Yesterday, today and tomorrow are a continuum. In many ways, there is no differentiation between them, or rather it is hard to differentiate between them all, but definitely what we have done in the past, what we do today, affects tomorrow. They are inseparable.
Mormons really do family right. When I speak with people who are getting to know me for the first time, it is usually in the dental office. As you know there is a large family portrait hanging on the wall just to the left of where I check people out. Almost always they look at that picture and admire the family that the Dr. has. And almost always a comment will follow like, "Five kids! Wow, that is a big family!" (Sometimes they do recognize me, but mostly, because they are not expecting me to be his wife they don't see me). After they say that, I will say something like, "Ya Dr. has great kids. And five is a good number." Sometimes they want to continue to speak with me about that and then I follow up with, "I'm in the picture too." And then starts a conversation about how I'm the doctors wife, how we grew up mormon but no longer follow the faith and how the thing I am most grateful for is the fact that being a mother was encouraged and because of that I had five children. I love my five children. You, and the relationship I have formed with each of you, is the thing that I am most proud of that I have accomplished. Notice that I didn't say what you have accomplished is what makes me most proud and although you have all accomplished great things, it isn't this that makes me proud...it is you and who you are and our relationship.
So, yes. Sometimes I say hard things to you. But again, because I have lived many years, I've seen many broken people, adults and children, and those broken people all had one thing in common...broken homes. Not that anyone that experiences a broken home can't rise above that setback, but it does become much harder. Look at my Dad, look at my grandparents. It just seems like the traps of the broken family now can be so much more permanent. So yes, I warn you against things that might break your homes one day so you will be happier yesterday, today and tomorrow.
And I know our home wasn't perfect and I wasn't perfect and your dad wasn't perfect, but we did what we could to keep the family together for your sakes and for our sake because relationships bring fulness to life. Without these relationships, it is like a tree without the leaves, the stem without the flower, the beach without the water. I literally cannot imagine my life without your dad and without you children.
So, when the world tosses away mothers and fathers and marriage...and children I wonder how one will enrich one's life if one chooses that path. I do wonder. And I speak...I've spoken with each of you about this. AI can't replace relationships. A long career can't replace holding your own child that you share with your spouse for the first time. Drugs, sex, fame, success, money...nothing can touch these pure relationships. It truly is what eternal life is...predecessors, self, progeny.
So, as always, keep your doors open (evaluate if the door is open in a good way and what you need to do to change it if it isn't) and your self (past, present and future) enriched with good relationships. I love you and always will.
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