A long post

Really it is.  So if you don't have 10 minutes, come back later.  It's worth reading.  At least, I thought it was worth writing.

Many things have gone through my head today, but mostly I have felt a great sense of gratitude. After attending church, taking a Sunday nap (we all need one don’t we?) and baking a cake, I went on a walk down to the river with McKenzie and Jake this afternoon. We usually go as a family but Brad, Ben, Riley and Jordan were busy building a platform for our rafting trip that we are taking tomorrow. So, like I said it was just McKenzie, Jake and me. It was nice having just the three of us and although Jake was there, I felt like I got some much needed one-on-one time with Kenzie. The temperature was in the low 70s and everything here is in full bloom. I wish I would have taken my camera, but I didn’t, so you have only my words which pale in comparison to the actual scene that surrounded me. The flowers of all different colors, the rushing river, the green meadows, the sprouting trees and the grandeur of the mountains rising above me all combined to create a landscape so beautiful it truly took my breath away and left me feeling so lucky to be living here and grateful to God for allowing me the opportunity to witness such magnificence. Reflecting on the gratitude I felt to be able to live in such a beautiful place, I watched my daughter (who is also blooming and turning into a real beauty) and my son as they walked in front of me, Jake, his energetic five year old self, hopping back and forth over a ditch that had been recently plowed in the green meadow beside the pathway. Again, a deep sense of gratitude, this time for the wonderful children I’ve been blessed to raise, washed over me and I sat in awe at the tenderness of Heavenly Father.


Jordan recenlty turned 13.  I had Jordan when I was 25 years old. It seems like only yesterday. I was so young. And no, I don’t know that I can call myself old yet, but the wrinkles, despite my application of creams at night, still seem to be increasing around my eyes.

 It’s not so bad though, growing older. With those wrinkles comes experience and (hopefully) wisdom. I look back at the new mom I was and see someone so nervous that I wouldn’t be the perfect Mom. Now I know that, despite how hard I try, I am imperfect. The beautiful part of it all is that, somehow, Heavenly Father, I believe through other people, makes up the difference. I am grateful for all the people who have touched Jordan’s life. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, coaches, friends and leaders…it does take a village to raise a child.

We were discussing the second coming in church today which led us to the parable of the wheat and tares. I had some increased understanding of that parable come to me as we were discussing how the tares choke out the wheat which is what makes them so dangerous to your field. Just as the tares choke and destroy, the wheat gives sustenance and nourishes making others stronger when they partake of it. Think about it. Wheat meets many of our basic needs as humans. Also, wheat is an ingredient of Bread. Who is the bread of life? Our savior. What is the wheat? We are, when we are doing his will. Just as the wheat is a part of the Bread so we should take part in Christ’s great work of nourishing and strengthening others spiritually.

I taught a lesson on the scriptures today. I hope my children understand what power the scriptures can be when they make them a daily part of their studies. I felt the protective power of reading the scriptures in my youth and looking back, I can truly say I made better choices because the word of God led me to think on Christ more. An essential part to growing a stronger testimony is scripture study. This little clip sums up perfectly how I feel:
https://www.lds.org/youth/learn/yw/prophets-revelation/study?lang=eng#video=the-book-of-mormon-messages-from-heaven
I also like the following quote from President Monson. Speaking to the Young Women in a Young Women General conference he said, “seek heavenly guidance one day at a time. Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it’s a cinch. Each of us can be true for just one day-and then one more and then one more after that-until we’ve lived a lifetime guided by the spirit, a lifetime close to the Lord, a lifetime of good deeds and righteousness.”

My mother’s day was wonderful. My children made me breakfast in bed and it was the first time that it was actually more than just cereal. Jordan made me a giant pancake and syrup.

And yes, the syrup that they placed on the clothes basket here did end up spilling. Lucky for me it was all over the clothes and not on the floor. The clothes are much easier to wash. They made me special cards, an apron, planted flowers at school. I felt blessed to be a mother.

Like I said earlier, I’m not always the best Mom. It seems like with work and trying to balance things around the house, my dinners are taking place at later and later times. Because of this, my children are learning to satiate their hunger themselves. And sometimes, due to the lateness of the meal, they fall asleep during the consumption of their self-made dinners.

Speaking of work, we actually had a five day weekend this last week. It was WONDERFUL. We decided to aprovechar de(that’s take advantage of in Spanish) this opportunity and took the kids out dirtbiking early morning Saturday, made a quick and much needed trip to Sam’s club during the hot afternoon and then back to motorcycling in the evening. On the drive down somehow the conversation turned to whether or not there would be motorcycling in heaven and how awesome it would be to have a heaven where we were able to motorcycle. I don’t know that this is a conversation that would occur with most families but with ours it did. During the course of the conversation Jake quickly informed us all that of course there would be because “God made murdercycles (he truly thinks they are called murdercycles) before he made us!!!” and then continues to make his point with a little parody of I’m trying to be like Jesus that he made up entirely by himself. It went like this “I’m trying to murdercycle like Jesus. I’m following in his dust.” It was a big hit with the family and the boys sang it at the tops of their lungs until I could no longer tolerate the loudness.

It’s amazing that we can live in such a forested area and literally 40 miles down the road we can be in the hot dusty desert. The landscape here is amazing to me.

As I watched my boys put on their equipment I observed that the equipment they had to ride in correlated with their different riding levels.

Novice: Only need a helmet and some shop safety goggles. No other protective gear needed. The payless loafers are a must.

Beginner: Still wearing the safety goggles and helmet. Gloves are added to the essentials and this beginner got lucky because the intermediate rider let him wear his own chest protector. Note, boots still are not needed at this stage.

Intermediate: Helmet, riding googles (not the shop kind), gloves and chest protector (although the younger brother had it today) are necessary. Boots a must.

Advanced: Full gear necessary. Boots, motorcycle pants, motorcycle shirt (if it’s 10x bigger than you it’s okay as long as it’s cheap), helmet, goggles, chest protecter, gloves.

You name it…he’s got it. Jordan purchased the pants with some money he had earned from cat sitting recently. He’s very proud. And, of course, when I see him doing this….

And this….

I know that all that riding gear is necessary.  Uh well, maybe not the pants if they got buried in the back of the car.

Kenzie amazed me earlier in the day.  At first, Jake's bike wouldn't run so Brad was taking it apart to see what was wrong with it.  He had some little part out that he was cleaning and spraying starter fluid on.  I had no idea what it was and said as much to Kenzie.  She immediately informed me that it was the carburetor.  When I had mentioned my surprise to Brad he said, "Why would you be surprised.  She's with me in the garage all the time."

Now, I mentioned that we went into Farmington in the afternoon. Just a few tips to the reader:

• Never accidentally bump into a 10 year old with a very protective mother, lest you get yelled at, told you’re a terrible bully and lectured on pushing said child and asked how you would like to be pushed by her. Yelled at for so long that it confuses you as to why she’s yelling at you and drives you (who hardly ever cries) to tears. This happened to Jordan yesterday (in Brad’s and my presence who witnessed the entire scene). We (all of us) apologized, but after continually badgering our son we actually had to nicely ask her to please stop yelling at him at which point she started yelling at us…I’m surprised she had enough restraint that she didn’t shove him down. It ruined our shopping trip (which was pretty much done anyway), left all of our children confused and we found ourselves quickly leaving to check out after the scene. Why are people this way now?

• When at McDonald’s do let your 7 year old child jump up and down on the hood of your car and also please, while waiting in line yell at your husband at how terribly he got the children ready loud enough for all in the restaurant to hear. Oh, and make sure to sit kitty-corner from a table where a Chinese man with a horrible complexion is sitting so that while you are eating the soft-serve ice cream cone that your husband got for everyone in the family as a special treat you can observe said man picking his zits over…and over…and over. On second thought, don’t go into McDonald’s…just go through the drive-thru.

I had a meeting today at the church and Brad got the kids ready for me. They arrived, all looking pretty well put together, well all but Ben who can’t seem to remember to comb his hair lately. As soon as Jake sat down he leaned over and in a whisper said to me, “Mom can you make my sleeves longer?” Unknown to me, there had been quite the scene at home when Kenzie had pulled out a short-sleeved Sunday shirt and apparently it was the first time Jake had ever worn a short-sleeved Sunday shirt. He was quite disturbed by it, but unable to find his long-sleeved shirt put it on. However, he asked everyone if they knew how to lengthen the sleeves because to be able to go to church on Sunday, the shirts are supposed to have long sleeves. Thinking of Mom as the ultimate fixer I think his five year old heart was set on having me lengthen them there.

Dear Mary Pope Osborne (author of the Magic Tree House series)

Written by Riley Belt, age 7, hoping to be published at the beginning intros to one of her books.

Announced to all who attended church that day

Sitting in sacrament the other day I caught Jake picking his nose.  I pulled his hand away and immediately after releasing my hold, his hand returned to his nostril.  In a whisper I said, "Jake, don't pick your nose."  In a whisper he said back, "Don't worry Mom, I'm not gonna eat it.  I'm gonna flick it."  Whispering back to him I replied, "That's still not okay Jake."  Apparently exasperated with the whole whispering scenario he responded in a voice loud enough for the whole congregation to overhear, "Why?  I see you pick and flick your boogers all the time Mom."

What can one respond to that and what volume should accompany the reply?

I decided that silence and no denial would be the best option.

So...what good is setting a goal

Obviously for me, no good.

I said I'd write every Sunday.  I haven't.

I said I'd fold laundry every night.  My laundry room is full of clean clothes awaiting me and I feel no desire in the evening to attack the giant heap.

I knew on my days off I could complete my deep cleaning.  My days off are spent elsewhere.

Working is changing me.  And yet I realize how lucky I am.  I have a solid partner to help me when he can.  He makes more dinners than I do of late.  He spends his free time with the kids.  I often wonder how the single moms out there do it. 

I barely made it to the 5th grade talent show where my daughter sang a solo for the whole 5th grade and their parents.  I made it though.  It was beautiful.  It's funny, when she began I had those same butterflies for her that I have for my boys when they wrestle and at the end when she finished I wanted to be the one cheering loudest for her.  I wasn't though.  The others thought she was great too and she got louder applause elsewhere, but I made it and I was there...and she saw me.

There's no calling in sick to this job.  It's our business.  Neither Brad or I can miss a day.  It will only fail if we fail it.  We're there and we're there at the same time so the whole family has had to pull together to make things work.

Sometimes this means that if Riley's sick, Jordan or Kenzie stay home from school and babysit.

Sometimes it means that Kenzie can't go to activity days because I need her home to watch the boys.

It means that Ben has to miss scouts because there's no one there to drive him.  And because I'm new I don't know anyone well enough to ask for a ride for him.  It's hard to ask for help when you're so busy you can't reciprocate the favor.

It has meant that none of my kids can participate in sports right now.

It means that we eat at 8pm or 9pm when Mom and Dad get home. 

I have days off.  Today was one.  I spent it with Jake, answering phone calls for the office, baking cookies, going to a YW meeting, correcting Jordan on some behavior and catching up on my blog...the things I've meant to write down but haven't. 

I used to sleep in as much as I could when I wasn't working.  I wouldn't worry about 15 minutes that I didn't get to spend with the kids because I had the afternoon and evening to be there with them.  I was with them all the time.  Now, as soon as I hear the kids rise for school I am up because it is my time with them...and often I am up late catching up on the chores that I should do but won't because I want the time I have to be with the kids for the kids and nothing else.

I don't want to dwell on this too much because we are making it.  I just want it noted how my perspective has changed and that this trial has made me realize all the more how important each moment we get with each other is. 

We see each others needs and help each other out. 

For the first time I came home yesterday and my home was immaculate because my 12 year old son had come home and seen a need.

Though there are still fights (the sibling kind) I feel like my children are developing better relationships with each other because they are serving each other more since Mom and Dad are here less.

Yesterday, McKenzie waited after school 40 minutes for her brother to get home from a field trip and together they walked to our office.  Then Ben accompanied his sister back to the school for the talent show.  They were there for each other when Brad and I couldn't be.

I guess with trials in our lives (which everyone has) we have two choices.  We can only look to see the hills to climb in front of us and get it over with as soon as possible or we can slow down, look around, enjoy the scenery and realize with each step forward that we take we are getting stronger.  After all, like Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

I hope I am leading my life well.

I certainly am not living the life I dreamed of as a girl.  By saying that I'm not saying that I lead a terrible life by any means.  I'm saying that life, by virtue, is more difficult than one dreams it will be.  And, as I continue through life, I realize more and more just how little control I have over anything.  I've had to let go and trust that Heavenly Father knows so much more than me and that all things come together for good.  I've learned that the one thing I do have control over is my attitude and that by having hope and faith and trusting in the Lord it is the one gift I can give back to him for all that he has given me.

And despite the difficulties I have those golden moments when I see my husband with my children playing all together or when I have a one on one talk with my son who is struggling and I feel his trust, or I get a hug from my daughter after she's done something difficult, or I see my two little boys who are best friends creating something together, or just receive a sweet smile from my five year old or hear him singing the latest tune he has memorized (latest:  look down from Les Miserables) that the last ten years of sweat, blood and tears seem to melt away and I'm left with a feeling just how truly blessed I am...and the sacrifice seems all worth it.