Betrayal

 Such an ugly word, right?  I don't even know if I should go here but at 2:25 am this is what is on my mind and I can't quiet it.  If we're going to be discussing our Open Secrets maybe this is the Open Secret that has to be discussed first.

Let me start with an experience Brad and, by virtue of being married to him, I had some years ago when we first came out of dental school.  I'm not sure what was the hardest, the first 4 1/2 years of bouncing around (when we moved 7 times in those 4 1/2 years) or when we almost went bankrupt when we bought the practice here.  It's really a mute point...we've passed through those portals and we survived.  We are changed and different for sure, but still we are on the other side.  This experience that I am about to share with you came in the first 6 months after dental school.  Also, this is not something Brad wrote.  I am doing this without his permission (I hope it is okay...eek!).  The way that he would share this might be a little different than what I have to share here.  You'll get the gist of it though.

One of the first doctors Brad worked for as an associate (an associate doctor/dentist is one who works in a practice but is not an owner and all dentist/doctors are usually associates first) was Sloan.  Sloan couldn't have been more than 5 years older than me and by the time Brad worked for him was a very successful dentist who owned his own practice in a stand alone building that he also owned.  This is the epitome of success for a dentist, or at least we thought so at the time.  We had a lot in common with him.  He was LDS like us, had 5 kids like us (even the same genders....4 boys, 1 girl), loved to lift weights, water-ski, dirt bike...and best of all, he was left handed just like Brad and so all his operatories were oriented correctly to do the best dentistry for a left hander (I could go on and on about how the world discriminates unknowingly against all those left handers here but I'll spare you the deatils and yes, I'm left handed).  The location of the practice was 3 hours from family for me and 1 hour from Costco!  It was an associateship match made in heaven.  Brad and Sloan became quick friends.  We rented a house from Sloan, dirt biked with Sloan, babysat Sloan's kids while he and his wife went to Honduras for a service vacation, etc., etc., etc...  Sloan was an even closer friend to Brad.  He invited Brad to lift weights with him every morning before work, which Brad did, and even extended an invitation to go on a special ski trip to Whistler with him that year.  Brad loved his associateship position there and he loved and appreciated Sloan.  You always know when someone has found a special place in Brad's heart because he'll start doing small acts of unknown service for them.  For example, Sloan had a door that wasn't latching or locking properly (I can't remember the details of which exactly) but one afternoon when Sloan was gone, Brad snuck over to Sloan's house and fixed his door.  Brad never told him and I don't know that Sloan even ever noticed.  Like I said, Brad really appreciated what Sloan was teaching him and the position he offered him in his office.

Associateships are hard though.  The statistic that Brad learned in dental school is that 90% of all associateships fail. Several things make them difficult.  The fact that when patients see them they aren't the doctor (i.e. it was Sloan's practice and every patient wanted Sloan, not Brad), staff loyalties to the owning doctor and jealousies of the associate doctor, production issues (who gets the garbage on the bottom and who gets the good procedures), money, sometimes wives become problems the list here could go on and on and on.  

Remember this associateship went swimmingly at the start.  It went so well that within 6 months Brad and Sloan were discussing a buy-in into the practice for Brad.  But somehow, when discussing the buy-in money and sharing the money got in the way.  It didn't change our relationship at the time but we could see that we were not going to end up partners with Sloan soon thereafter. 

So we began to look at our options.  As I mentioned before Costco was an hour away from our house.  What I didn't mention was where Costco was located was a city that I loved!  I strongly encouraged Brad to look here and we did!  I was so excited!  It was a perfect place to raise our kids.  Brad and I began to research what it would take to do a dental start-up here.  We went to a builders conference that built dental offices, we spoke with realtors and accountants, we found land and we applied and were approved for a loan to buy the land and build the practice!  We shared all this with Sloan and had a verbal agreement (after all who needs legal contracts amongst friends) that we would give him 3 months notice of when we would no longer be able to work for him and he had a reciprocal agreement that he would give us a 3 months notice if he needed to replace us before that time.  We even had a tentative date that we gave him of when the building was going to be completed.

While all the above mentioned was going on there were some issues that came up in the office.  Brad redid a filling on a patient in the same appointment because he didn't like the quality of the original filling he had placed, and well...that went bad.  Lesson learned, never strive for more excellent work when the patient is done sitting in the chair.  That's sounds like a harsh lesson to state to all you dental patients out there but trust me, sometimes B work makes the patient more pleased than A work if it takes too much time.  Newly graduated students have to learn this quickly or they will have no patients.  Please know that also, I believe that most dentists still always strive for A work, at least I know Brad does.  I digress.  Also, there were some staff loyalty issues for sure and a big run in with one staff member in particular who told Brad how to diagnose.  Um, just so you know, it is a big deal that the Doctor be the one to diagnose, legal issues you know.  Really though, we felt very safe and secure working for Sloan even with the associateship difficulties.  So ya technically, we were part of the 90% that didn't work out because it didn't lead to a partnership, but we were still friends and we were going to do our best for Sloan while working for him and he was going to do right by us.

One day, in August, we were sitting in church, a church we attended with Sloan, when it was announced that a new family had moved in.  The husband was a dentist and was going to be working with a local dentist in the ward.  Wow!  That was interesting because Sloan was the only dentist in the ward and Brad was the associate working for him.  Of course, we didn't want to jump to conclusions.  We were sure Sloan would have told us three months earlier if he was planning on letting Brad go.  We had a verbal agreement and he was Brad's friend.

That very afternoon Sloan came to our house for a visit and asked to speak with Brad.  At that time he informed him that, indeed, this new dentist, the newly moved in member or our church ward, was going to be working for him and gave Brad his two weeks notice.  I must have been eavesdropping.  My mind was reeling.  We were supposed to sign on the loan Bank of America had approved to start the purchase process on the land for the new dental office the very next day!  What if we had signed it on Friday?  It was August and all the new grads came out in May, what jobs would be left for associateships in August?  We had a verbal agreement with Sloan and Sloan was our friend.  He loved Brad and he loved our family.  Why wouldn't he have told us all this?  There were a lot of tears and worries that night of our now uncertain future.  It was indeed betrayal, most deep for Brad who implicitly loved, served and trusted Sloan but for all of our family too.  What were we to do now and how could we do it within two weeks?

It hurt deeply and it changed our lives forever.  

Betrayal rears its ugly head in many relationships.  It appears in business relationships like ours with Sloan.  It appears in friendships, familial relationships and marriages.  It is harmful and damaging and each one of us, in our attempt to live life to the fullest has been betrayed and has betrayed another.  That is one of our Open Secrets.

I recently read a book for the second time entitled End of the World Plan B by Charles Inouye, a professor at Tufts University.  In his book Dr. Inouye discusses the centuries old idea embraced by religions of the inevitable destruction of the earth. and our role in this destruction.  He explains how if we become too caught up in our demands for justice, it blinds us to our own imperfections and most certainly will end in the catastrophic apocalypse that has been foretold.  Then he presents another way, a plan B per se, to the end of the world.  He leans heavily on a teaching from Buddhism of a burning house.  We all live in a burning house and we don't know it until some event allows us to see the fire.  We leave the burning house and go out in pursuit of knowledge and seek justice as to who set this house on fire.  In our pursuit of this knowledge, we do learn about justice, of right and wrong, and we seek to hold others accountable.  This pursuit he equates to the climbing of a mountain.  It is hard and arduous but necessary to further ourselves from the burning house.  However, the further and further we get into our journey of seeking justice and holding people accountable for the burning house, the more we see that we too are guilty of  creating the fire (imagine Billy Joel's song "We didn't start the fire" playing in the background here please and me telling Mr. Joel, "oh, but we did start the fire", maybe that was his point?).  We have caused it.  And it causes us pain.  It causes us so much pain that we want to turn around and not ascend to the enlightenment that awaits us if we just persist in our summiting of this mountain.   Have any of you summited a mountain?  Let me tell you, it is painful and arduous to get to the top.  When Brad helped me summit Silver this summer we would take twenty steps and rest, then twenty more and rest and on and on until we did summit.  Summiting is painful.  If we continue on this allegorical journey we are on climbing up this mountain and unabashedly look at the nakedness of our ugly selves it leads us to mercy and compassion for others.  We see that we not only have we been oppressed, have been betrayed, but unknowingly (or knowingly) we too have been the oppressor or the betrayer. There is no escaping harming others when you live life even though you may have the best intentions to do so.  Let me pause here to share another story from my life to help you understand this point more broadly.

While I was serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I taught several families from Bolivia.  The Bolivians in Argentina are VERY poor and VERY discriminated against.  Anyhow, one particular family asked us to come teach them at their work place.  We went to teach them and the address had us arrive at a big empty factory where there were several Bolivian families sewing Sponge Bob Square Pants boxer shorts (at least I think they were Sponge Bob...don't quote me on that was Sponge Bob in the late 90s?).  It was the first time I had seen a literal sweat factory.  I asked the mother how much they were paid for each short.  "Un centavo" she answered me.  One penny per short.  Wow!  My mind was reeling at the unjustness of it all.  I was also realizing that these shorts, were being sold to me in America.  I was the buyer.  Worse yet, I had to be because we needed to buy the least expensive clothing because we had to spend our resources well.  We were a large family living off of a teacher's salary.  I was supporting this abuse of treatment unknowingly and out of necessity.  It was the first time I was able to look at my naked self.  Even more complicating to all this is that if we shut down that factory because of the abuse suffered there, these Bolivians are then without a job so we have to be careful in our advocacy for them.  We have to do it in the right way.  That's another topic for another day.  My point from this story is that for the first time, I saw that I was one contributing to the burning of the house.

Back to the burning house of Dr. Inouye.  When we understand that we too have been the oppressors we have mercy on those who have oppressed.  This painful process leads us to the summit, or to enlightenment where we realize that we are in need of being saved just as much as the others who need us to extend salvation to them through forgiveness.  I need forgiveness from you and you, in turn, need forgiveness from me.  He then says when we come to this enlightenment, we are able to descend down to the mountain back to the burning house to save others.

This book has such meaning for me in a time when I feel "naked" in the garden I once enjoyed living in.  It gives me hope for humanity that we all can come together even though we have been betrayed and have been the betrayer.

Admitting our guilt in this all is difficult.  Yes, Sloan betrayed us but we, my family did our share of betraying others.  Just ask Dr. Kent what he thinks of the Belts.  Yes, that is the doctor that we had a verbal agreement with to work for in Casper, Wyoming.  He did so much for us and was so gracious and would have treated us like kings. It might have been that rare 10% of associateships that would have worked out.  However, when we got scared for one reason or another, we fled.  We betrayed Dr. Kent.

What is my purpose in writing this all?  I am seeking healing.  You are too.  It doesn't matter where...in your business, in your family, in your politics, in your marriage...you are seeking the healing.  We are the ones in need of salvation and we are the only ones that can extend that same salvation to others.  It's up to you and me to make End of the World Plan B happen.

The Open Secret

I am reading a lot of books lately to help me deal with my midlife and faith crisis.  One of the books I am reading right now is entitled Broken Open and is written by Elizabeth Lesser.  I want to share with you a section from the book that I found to be deep and profound.  This is a longer read for a blog but I promise you is well worth the read.  Stick with me here.

"In several of his poems and commentaries, Rumi (Jelalluddin Rumi) speaks of the Open Secret.  He says that each one of us is trying to hide a secret-not a big bad secret, but a more subtle and pervasive one.  It's the kind of secret that people of the streets of Istanbul kept from each other in the thirteenth century, when Rumi was writing his poetry.  It's what I imagine Einstein tried to hide from his neighbors in Princeton, and they from him.  And it's the same kind of secret that you and I keep from each other every day.  You meet an old acquaintance, and she asks, "How are you?" You say, "Fine!"  She asks, "How are the kids?" You say, "Oh they're great." "The job?" "Just fine.  I've been there five years now."

Then you ask that person, "How are you?" She ways, "Fine!"  You ask, "Your new house?" "I love it." "The new town?" "We're all settling in."

It's a perfectly innocent exchange of ordinary banter, each one of us has a similar kind every day.  but it is probably not an accurate representation of our actual lives.  We don't want to say that one of the kids is failing in school, or that our work often feels meaningless, or that the move to the new town may have been a colossal mistake.  It's almost as if we are embarrassed by our most human traits. We tell ourselves that we don't have time to go into the gory details with everyone we meet; we don't know each other well enough; we don't want to appear sad, or confused, or weak, or self-absorbed.  better to keep under wraps our neurotic and nutty sides (not to mention our darker urges and more shameful desires).  Why wallow publicly in the underbelly of our day-to-day stuff?  Why wave the dirty laundry about, when all she asked was "How are you?"

Rumi says that when we hide the secret underbelly from each other, then both people go away wondering, How come she has it all together?  How come her marriage/job/town/family works so well?  What's wrong with me?  We feel vaguely diminished from this ordinary interaction, and from hundreds of similar interactions we have from month to month and year to year.  When we don't share the secret ache in our hearts-the normal bewilderment of being human-it turns into something else.  Our pain and fear and longing in the absences of company, become alienation and envy and competition. 

The irony of hiding the dark side of our humanness is that our secret is not really a secret at all.  How can it be when we're all safeguarding the very same admission that each one of us has a shadow self, a bumbling, bad-tempered twin.  Big surprise!  Just like you, I can be a jerk sometimes.  I do unkind, cowardly things, harbor unmerciful thoughts, and mope around when I should be doing something constructive.  Just like you, I wonder if life has meaning; I worry and fret over things I can't control; and I often feel overcome with a longing for something I cannot even name.  For all of my strengths and gifts, I am also a vulnerable and insecure person, in need of connection and reassurance.  This is the secret I try to keep from you, and you from me, and in doing so we do each other a grave disservice.  

Rumi tells us that moment we accept what troubles we've been given, the door will open.  Sounds easy, sounds attractive but it is difficult, and most of us pound on the door to freedom and happiness with every manipulative ploy save the one that actually works.  If you're interested in opening the door to the heavens, start with the door to your own secret self.  See what happens when you offer to another a glimpse of who you really are.  Start slowly.  Without getting dramatic, share the simple dignity of yourself in each moment - your triumphs and your failures, your satisfaction and your sorrow.  Face your embarrassment at being human, and you'll uncover a deep well of passion and compassion.   It's a great power, your Open Secret.  When your heart is undefended, you make it safe for whomever you meet to put down his burden of hiding, and then you both can walk through the open door."

Okay, phew!  Done with those passages.  Are you still with me?

As I was contemplating this I began watching my favorite musical Fiddler on the Roof.  I have probably seen this musical...oh 20 or more times.  Recently, my daughter, McKenzie, was watching it with her roommates and told me that I should watch it again which is why I am in the middle of watching it.  And, just like the other 20 times I have watched it, I found myself deeply moved by the story.  I asked myself why I felt so moved or what makes me feel so moved when I hear a beautiful musical piece, like Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber, or read a beautiful book like The Color of Water by James McBride or hear an inspiring piece of poetry like The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, or see beautiful artwork like Weeping Woman by Picasso?  (By the way, I used to never find this type of art by Picasso beautiful but now I would say it's one of his most beautiful pieces)  The reason I feel so moved by this art is because they tell a story about life, both the good and the bad and in them.  We recognize our own damaged selves and feel connection and redemption.  I will state that again...because we see both the beautiful and the ugly in these, we feel validated in our own Open Secrets that we hide.  We realize that we as humans are all these things and we can face ourselves more honestly.  Art that unflinchingly looks at the good and the bad helps us see ourselves more clearly.  This is why I love the arts.  And oh, how I miss the live arts right now.

In another book I just read entitled the Magical Journey by Katrina Kenison she says this, "Sharing the truth of who we are and how we grapple with the every day stuff of life is what brings us joy and what brings us to our knees is simply a way of reweaving and reaffirming our connection with one another."

Katrina Kenison also said this in her book Magical Journey, "It's not for me to judge the gifts I have to offer the world, but it is up to me to summon the courage to offer them."

Recently, I have asked myself what gifts I have to offer.  I think it is the gift of being able to write my life's experience.  I am trying to summon the courage to offer my gifts and hope my words and my desire to honestly express my experiences will help you connect with me and hopefully others around you.  As I get older in life, I learn more and more that life is really all about relationships.  People matter most and please, start with the people closest to you because they will not always be there.

Because of my questions regarding my faith and my honest search for answers, because I am transitioning from a Mom with a full house to a Mom with an empty house, I am rediscovering and rebuilding myself.  I feel as if I am rebuilding from nothing, as if I truly have been broken open.  I want to share my journey in this blog so stay tuned as I really figure out what my values are, where my boundaries are, the struggles I have, the questions I have.  I will try to take moments to write my innermost thoughts and feeling down here along with the picturing of our endeavors throughout life.  Please realize, I am searching for me.  I've been thinking a lot about me.  Past, present and future me.  I can see her and I am reaching back to pull out the feelings of the little girl I was, the teenager I was, the young mother I was.  I can see her in the future and I am reaching out to her to discover the empty nester I will become and the aged woman I will become.  I am trying to connect to her in the present.  I see her.  She is ever present and she is more than one dimension.  I am rebuilding with the materials she already has.

Right now I feel as Dante Alighierei put it in his poem the Divine Comedy put it:

"In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself within a dark woods
Where the straight way was lost."

But I find hope in these words from Amanda Gorman:

"We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,
we will rise from the windswept northeast
where our forefathers first realized revolution
We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,
we will rise from the sunbaked south
We will rebuild, reconcile and recover
and every known nook of our nation and
every corner called our country,
our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,
battered and beautiful
When day comes we step out of the shade,
aflame and unafraid
The new dawn blooms as we free it
For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it"

I will rebuild, I will rise and I will find the light again.  In the meantime, I am stopping to see what surrounds me in the forest and what lurks in the dark corners that I have not faced before.  

Another quick picture blast to cover January and February

 With the kids home, it is hard to find quiet moments.  Because of this, my blog is being ignored.  That being said, wrestling and in-person school just started as of February 1 so I have a few more quite moments...kind of so you will be seeing some deep stuff from me.  Maybe too deep.  For now, let's go over the easy stuff.

I had a birthday.  Yep.  No pictures from that day but my little boy Jakers was sweet and made me a German chocolate cake.  What a champ.

Jake finished his knife that he forged.  Now he wears it all around the house, because, hey knife.  And ya, I made this knife and the scabbard too.

Also, he had a birthday and is one year older.  Here are two more of pictures of him rebuilding a dirt bike part (or cleaning a carburetor or something) and waxing his skis.

These two are wrestling together.

Ben is wrestling 160s-170s but dropping to 152s this week.  He is 7-3 for the season and is ranked 5th in state.

Riley is wresting 126-132s and is 3-7 for the season (four of those losses were pretty even matches) and is not ranked in the state.  If it was a normal year I feel like he would make it, even with as miserable of a record as he has.  His record is not reflective of his skill.  A lot of those matches were close.  All that being said, being a freshman on a varsity team is tough.

I did get to go see my sister, Anjee and her family last week in support of them as my brother-in-law goes through his chemotherapy.  I don't know if I was as helpful as I should have been but I loved spending time with them and their family.  We are hopeful for Jeremy as he fights his cancer.  I feel like cancer like his is some of the hardest to know how to deal with mentally because we know it won't go away but we're not looking at immediate death either.  In fact, he most likely will have at least another 13 years and we hope many more.  How do you even begin to grapple with that?  I don't know.  What I do know is that he is sick and the family needs our support right now and I am trying to give it the best way that I can.  As I said, spending time with them and their family was wonderful.  Why did I not take any pictures except these to prove to my family that curly hair is on my side too?  Ha!  She would probably hate that I put the picture of her on here in her pajamas but I think it is cute and this is my blog, so....

We've had some excellent snow storms the last two weeks and are grateful for the moisture we have received.  Today the trees are snow covered and it is a winter wonderland outside.  So glad it happened over the weekend.